Monster and Master - Dating Chapter 1

Master Arcturus: nope, locked inside dungeon, with a glass key, and a vibrating iron lock on a floor that is swaying and the ceiling is full of holes and someone is dumping cold ice snowmelt water on you the door is charged and keeps shocking you, oh, have I mentioned the fleas?

Chapter 1

Nastydramus: AAahh "Fun" Needs today?

Master Arcturus: I am in dire need of winning the lotto, so a winning lotto ticket is desired. How went the search for the fair sacrifice?

Nastydramus: I checked Yahoo, OKCupid, DateMeI'mHot.com,

NoSeriouslyI'mBetterLookingThanILookInMyPicture.com, match.com, and

I'mReallyAFatHairyGuy.com, just in case. Nuthin'

Master Arcturus: I think we need to scout new territory, this one is starting to act over hunted..

Nastydramus: You know, the goddess could stand to lower her standards a bit. It's all based on a false image of beauty. Or, it could just give the pretty ones time to BREED.

Master Arcturus: I beseeched (full beseeching rite) the chocolate internet goddess and she is unwilling to change the standards. Muttered something about the blonde ones squealing better..

Nastydramus: Well, no, that one's true, you get a nice squeal from a blonde. Red heads usually screech, and brunettes just weep. It's pathetic, the weeping, unless you like that sort of thing.

Master Arcturus: Well to be honest,,, I like them all.

Nastydramus: Yes, well, YOU are a degenerate old perv.

Master Arcturus: Sigh, what can I say?

Nastydramus: "Thanks"?

Master Arcturus: You serve an evil Master, Yes, Thanks…

Master Arcturus: On to the problem, we need to find a better supply.

Nastydramus:: I've got scouts looking. I had to fire one. He brought me a picture of Amy Beerhut. He wasn't up to scratch.

Master Arcturus: I have a source, but the powered bat wings are in the shop, and you expressed reluctance to walking the required distance the last time we had to go that far.

Nastydramus: Yes, well, YOU have a 50 pound female fruit bat make eyes at you and see if you want to wear the bloody things again. Oh, the WALKING. Yes. Too much walking. Of course. >.>

Master Arcturus: It is only 300 miles and the source promised these ones are slender.

Nastydramus: 300 miles ONE WAY.

Master Arcturus: Well yes, of course; if you remember the one closer. The bad time,, no wait, we wiped that memory - you were screaming too loud for the priest to hear the responses. Ok, we will search for a closer supply

Nastydramus: I was screaming BECAUSE of the priest!

Master Arcturus: It was a very small flaying knife, he only wanted a small amount of skin..

Nastydramus: Yes, yes, that's fine, but THAT shirt with a BOLO tie? Hideous.. I'm still shuddering over it.

Master Arcturus: You do remember that you pulled it through his neck? The goddess was not happy.. just be happy I persuaded her not to take another eye you look kind of distinguished with 3.

Nastydramus: I kind of miss old blinky.

Master Arcturus: Yes, but at least she left you with 12 fingers on your right hand, you are pretty much right handed anyway.

Nastydramus: The other three digits were the SPECIAL ones, though.

Master Arcturus: I tried, you saw me try to save them for you my most loyal servant.. That is why I limp so much.. The goddess does not like it when we object too much..

Nastydramus: Nasty bit of business with the priest, though. When she gets into a rage, no one's safe. Especially if they're expendable...

Master Arcturus: It was astonishing how much blood there was in that priest, he had always struck me as a bloodless sort. At least we did not have to contribute blood that time.

Nastydramus: No, nor the time after. She was a bit jolly that time...

Master Arcturus: That is true, of course you found the triplets that time.

Nastydramus: Ah, yes, the triplets. That was the year she lifted the virginity clause; a fun year, to be sure.

Master Arcturus: Yes, at least I found a decent supply of sugared weasels the last supplier kept trying to supply us with singed weasels instead of skinned and the taste of scorched fur is hard to get out of the mouth. Especially a mouth as big as mine.

Nastydramus: I keep telling you, if you'd anesthetize your tongue, that wouldn't be a problem.

Master Arcturus: You say that because you have a single tongue with one fork, I have 3 with 6 forks,, if I anesthetize the tongues- they hang limp, and the goddess does not appreciate my mumbling my responses..

Master Arcturus: if you will remember, my skin used to be green, and then I mumbled the responses after eating that orange cacti.

Nastydramus: Oh, right... did you ever find a match for puce?

Master Arcturus: Then she turned me this awful tan color. Shudder--No but the offering of the priests wife and daughters got me this tan instead which while not as neat as the green, is better than puce. Shudder.

Nastydramus: Well, everything's better than puce, I mean, even the name is revolting.

Master Arcturus: And you kept screaming when I conjured you, “the color, the color, agggggg” It was quite the problem.

Nastydramus: shudder